Join us on the second Tuesday of every month as we create a safe space for honest conversations, healing, and transformation.
On June 9, 2026, at 8:00 PM, we had the honor and privilege of having a candid conversation with Apostle Robinnette R. Smith about toxic and unhealthy relationships.
This conversation was not just about dating. It was not just about romantic relationships. It was about the roots. It was about the things we experienced as children, the things we accepted as normal, and the patterns we carried into friendships, family connections, dating, and even the way we saw ourselves.
Apostle Robinnette shared with honesty and wisdom that we do not just wake up toxic. We do not just wake up people-pleasing, fearful, broken, or drawn to unhealthy things. Somewhere, something happened. Somewhere, a root was planted.
And if that root is never dealt with, it will keep producing fruit in our lives.
When Dysfunction Becomes Familiar
Apostle shared that she grew up in dysfunction. There was fighting, screaming, yelling, chaos, and trauma in the household. When a child grows up around that, it can begin to shape how they understand love, relationships, communication, and conflict.
Sometimes what we call normal is not normal at all.
It is just familiar.
When you grow up around toxic behavior, you may not recognize it when it shows up later because your spirit has already been introduced to it. You may accept things you would have never accepted if your childhood had shown you something different.
That is why self-reflection is so important.
We have to ask ourselves, “Where did I learn this?”
“Why do I respond this way?”
“Why does chaos feel normal to me?”
“Why do I keep attracting the same spirit in different people?”
Because sometimes the issue is not just who keeps coming into our lives. Sometimes the deeper question is, “What is still unhealed in me that keeps making room for this?”
The Root of People-Pleasing
One of the strongest parts of this conversation was when Apostle talked about people-pleasing.
She shared how bullying played a part in her wanting to be accepted. As a child, she found herself trying to bring things to those who mistreated her just so she could avoid being harmed or rejected.
That kind of fear can follow a person for years.
People-pleasing can look like kindness, loyalty, or being dependable. But underneath it, sometimes it is fear.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of being left.
Fear of being disliked.
Fear of being misunderstood.
Fear of not being good enough.
And when fear is leading, we will make promises we should have never made. We will overextend ourselves. We will stay connected to people who are draining us. We will call it loyalty when it is really bondage.
Apostle said something powerful through her story: sometimes we promise people things out of fear.
That is worth sitting with.
How many times have we said yes because we were scared to say no?
How many times have we stayed because we feared being alone?
How many times have we tolerated disrespect because we wanted to prove we were a good friend, a good woman, a good person, or a loyal one?
But healthy love does not require us to lose ourselves to keep it.
Trauma Bonding Is Not Real Freedom
Another powerful truth from this conversation was the reminder that people can come together through shared trauma and mistake that connection for something healthy.
Sometimes people are not connected because they are good for each other. Sometimes they are connected because they are wounded in similar ways.
That is trauma bonding.
You understand my pain, so I cling to you.
You have been rejected too, so we form a bond.
You know what abandonment feels like, so we call this loyalty.
You are hurting like I am hurting, so we think we are safe together.
But if neither person is healing, the relationship may only become a place where both wounds feed each other.
Apostle talked about relationships and friendships that were rooted in the same toxic traits. She explained how certain behaviors seemed to “die down” for a season, but they were not truly gone. They were just dormant until she got around the same kind of spirit again.
That was so powerful.
Sometimes we think we are delivered from something simply because we have not been around what activates it.
But when the wrong environment, wrong relationship, wrong friendship, or wrong spirit comes back around, what was not healed can wake back up.
Same Spirit, Different Person
One thing that stood out in this conversation was the pattern of toxic relationships repeating itself.
Different people.
Different situations.
Different seasons.
But the same kind of spirit.
Sometimes we leave one unhealthy relationship only to enter another one that looks different on the outside but carries the same root.
One relationship may be loud and abusive.
Another may start with compliments, attention, and charm.
One may tear you down with words.
Another may lift you up at first, only to later pull you into the same pain.
That is why we cannot just look at how something starts. We have to pay attention to the fruit.
Does this relationship produce peace or confusion?
Does it lead me closer to GOD or further into compromise?
Does it make me healthier or more anxious?
Does it require me to ignore conviction to keep it?
Apostle shared honestly about being in relationships that were not healthy and having to eventually ask, “What was in me that made me stay? What was in me that made me believe the lie? What was in me that made this feel like love?”
That kind of honesty is where healing begins.
When You Know Better, But Still Stay
Toxic relationships can become complicated because there are often pieces that feel good.
Someone may give you attention.
Someone may provide money.
Someone may make you feel chosen.
Someone may say the right words.
Someone may make you feel like the prize for a moment.
But if the foundation is wrong, the relationship cannot produce what is right.
Apostle shared how she had to face the truth that what she thought was love was not love. It was painful. It was unhealthy. It was wrapped in lies, compromise, and confusion.
And this is where many people get stuck.
They know it hurts, but they stay because there is still some kind of benefit attached to it.
Maybe it is money.
Maybe it is attention.
Maybe it is companionship.
Maybe it is the fear of starting over.
Maybe it is the hope that this person will finally change.
But love that keeps wounding you without repentance, accountability, and real change is not healthy love.
Friendship Can Be Toxic Too
This conversation also made it clear that toxic relationships are not only romantic.
Friendships can be toxic too.
Apostle shared how manipulation can enter friendships and cause us to look at people differently. Sometimes the wrong voice in our ear can make us pull away from people who were actually good to us.
That is why discernment matters.
Everybody who vents to you is not telling the full truth.
Everybody who warns you about somebody is not operating from purity.
Everybody who wants your loyalty does not deserve your agreement.
Sometimes toxic people will try to recruit you into their offense. They will tell you their side in a way that makes you inherit a battle that was never yours.
And if we are not careful, we will mistreat people who never did anything wrong to us because we were manipulated by somebody else’s pain, jealousy, or control.
GOD Will Show You You
One of the most powerful parts of Apostle’s testimony was her willingness to say, “I was toxic.”
That kind of honesty is rare.
Many people can talk about what others did to them, but freedom requires us to also face what was in us.
GOD does not only show us everybody else. He shows us us.
He will show us the fear.
He will show us the people-pleasing.
He will show us the manipulation we tolerated.
He will show us the messy places.
He will show us the relationships we entertained.
He will show us where we ignored conviction.
He will show us where we called dysfunction love.
Not to condemn us, but to free us.
There is no freedom without truth.
When GOD begins to show us ourselves, it may hurt at first. But that hurt is not meant to destroy us. It is meant to deliver us.
Healing Before the Next Relationship
Apostle reminded us that we have to allow GOD to heal us before we keep entering relationships from broken places.
Because if we do not heal, we will keep attracting, accepting, or entertaining what matches our wounds.
We need healing before dating.
We need healing before marriage.
We need healing in friendships.
We need healing in family relationships.
We need healing in how we see ourselves.
Healing helps us stop confusing chaos with chemistry.
Healing helps us stop mistaking attention for love.
Healing helps us stop letting fear make decisions.
Healing helps us stop proving our worth to people who were never assigned to value us.
Healing teaches us that peace is not boring. Peace is safe.
Takeaways for Healing
Toxic behavior has roots.
People-pleasing is often fear wearing a helpful face.
Trauma bonding can feel like loyalty, but it is not always healthy.
Just because something is familiar does not mean it is from GOD.
The same spirit can show up in different people.
Friendships can be toxic too.
Manipulation can make you mishandle good people.
You cannot heal what you refuse to tell the truth about.
GOD will show you yourself so He can free you, not shame you.
Healthy relationships require healing, boundaries, honesty, and discernment. Free Resources for your healing Journey below.
Journal Prompts to Help You Process
- What toxic patterns have I normalized because they feel familiar?
- Where did I first learn to people-please?
- Do I say yes out of love or out of fear?
- Have I ever called trauma bonding loyalty?
- What kind of people do I keep attracting, and what might that reveal?
- Have I ever ignored red flags because I wanted to feel chosen?
- What relationship showed me where I still needed healing?
- Have I allowed someone else’s opinion to change how I treated another person?
- What truth has GOD been showing me about myself?
- What does a healthy relationship look like for me now?
Scripture and Truth Points from the Conversation
2 Timothy 1:7
GOD has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. Fear should not be the foundation of our relationships.
Romans 12:2
Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Some relationship patterns change when our mind is renewed and our identity is rooted in Christ.
Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it flow the issues of life. We have to be careful who we give access to.
John 8:32
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. Truth may be uncomfortable, but it is necessary for freedom.
Psalm 147:3
GOD heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He can heal the places that caused us to accept less than His best.
Watch the Replay
If this conversation pulled on your heart, go back and watch the full replay.
Join the Conversation
Have you ever had to face toxic patterns in your own life?
Did this conversation help you see a relationship, friendship, or pattern differently?
Share your thoughts or encouragement in the comments. Your honesty may help someone else recognize what they need to heal from, walk away from, or finally surrender to GOD.
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