This week I completed 12 years of singleness, and I’m walking into year 13. When I sit and think about my life, I get emotional because I know where JESUS brought me from. I also see the woman I was, the woman I am, and the woman I am still becoming.
My story did not start in a perfect place. I came out of being influenced by perversion that entered my life around 5 or 6 years old. An older boy introduced me to things too early, and it affected me in ways I did not fully understand until I got older. My innocence was interrupted, and for years, it shaped how I viewed myself, relationships, vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional connection.
For a long time, I thought certain behaviors, feelings, and struggles were just “me.” But as GOD began healing me, He showed me that there was a root behind many things I was battling internally.
I’ve been saved since I was 21, and I will be 40 this year. Through every obstacle, stumble, distraction, heartbreak, frustration, and season where I felt distant or even angry with GOD, JESUS never removed His hand from my life.
That means something to me.
When I think about my abstinence and celibacy journey, I think about salvation. JESUS gave us salvation, but walking with Him is still something we have to live out daily. In the same way, singleness has been something I had to walk through, grow through, heal through, and surrender through.
Abstinence, for me, has been the choice to refrain. Celibacy has been a deeper commitment connected to my faith, my healing, my body, my boundaries, and my walk with GOD. It has not just been about “not doing something.” It has been about allowing GOD to deal with the pain, the loneliness, the confusion, the roots, and the broken places in me for His glory.
And if I’m being honest, this journey has not always been easy.
There were times I was frustrated. There were times I felt lonely. There were times I struggled emotionally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually to refrain. There were even times I did not want to be kept. But over the years, I learned something important: GOD’s way is better than the way I see things.
Sometimes the very thing that feels like rejection is actually the divine protection of a Father who cares.
Even when we feel unseen, we are seen.
The love of GOD loves us in a whole way.
One thing I’ve had to accept is that healing is not always instant. Deliverance is not always one prayer and then everything disappears overnight. Sometimes GOD heals layer by layer. Sometimes He reveals roots we did not even know were there. Sometimes He takes us back to places we buried in our memory because He wants to uproot what entered there.
I’ve also had to learn that a few slip-ups did not erase the overall reality of what I have been practicing and pursuing these last 12 years.
I have been in a long season of singleness, restraint, healing, growth, boundaries, and trying to honor GOD with my life. That does not mean I never wrestled. That does not mean I never felt temptation. That does not mean my flesh never won at times. It means my heart kept turning back to GOD.
That is why I can say this honestly:
I have not been perfect, but I have been faithful.
Considering what I was exposed to as a child, the emotional wounds, the spiritual confusion, and the years of untangling unhealthy patterns, healing in this area was never going to happen overnight for me. That does not excuse wrong choices, but it does show me how patient, merciful, and faithful GOD has been through the process.
I also learned that purity is deeper than outward appearance. GOD was rebuilding my identity, healing shame, restoring my self-worth, teaching me boundaries, changing my desires, and showing me how to receive healthy love. He was teaching me that I deserved more than pain, confusion, toxic cycles, and broken attachments.
When I look at myself now, I no longer see wasted years.
I see a woman GOD kept.
I see a woman JESUS covered.
I see a woman who had to heal over time.
I see a woman who kept returning to GOD even after stumbling.
I see a woman who is still becoming.
So as I walk into year 13, I am not entering it with shame over every imperfect moment. I am entering it with gratitude.
Gratitude that GOD never let me go.
Gratitude that JESUS kept His hand on my life.
Gratitude that my story did not end in brokenness.
Gratitude that healing, growth, and grace have been working in me all along.
Not perfect.
But faithful.
And still becoming.
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What has GOD been healing, teaching, or protecting you from in your season of singleness? Answer down below.